1. Why Rejection Is Actually Redirection
Recently I got rejected. It was less on his part but more on my part. I faced rejection from my expectations and hopes. Long story short, I saw him through rose-coloured glasses. I was so consumed by my own feelings that it completely changed my perception of the situation. I was so consumed by the idea of me and him that I forgot to enjoy moments of just two people enjoying each other's company. I didn't realise that the relationship I wanted so badly was not meant to happen because I was not truly present in the moment. Instead of focusing on improving and deepening our connection, I was too busy heavily crushing on him. So you can imagine how embarrassing and painful it was to receive "I see us as friends". How pathetic I felt crying on the bus home; having to smile through a dinner pretending like I didn't want to curl up under the my bedsheets. I felt utterly unlovable honestly: I've never really handled rejection well.
All the times I've faced with my old friend Rejection, it's never turned to a good meeting. I focus on why it didn't work: "what if I did this?" or "maybe if"; those thoughts don't do anyone any good. Tried and tested, believe me. I wanted to "fix" myself so that I could be an option to them; employers, crushes, grades, parents. I totally saw myself in the ugliest light. I was always "too much". I wanted to be wanted back; to have someone to think "she's too good to pass up". However, now that's not the case. It's been almost two weeks and fuck it still hurts yet I don't tell my friends because I didn't want to bore them with something that may seem insignificant. To them this was just a crush, to me however, this was everything I wanted to be. I looked up to him because of how he chased his goals and dreams. Now I realise I can be exactly the same; be a kind of aspiration to someone. I didn't need someone to bring the best in me; I just needed to change my image of myself. Seeing his name and face is still hard because I feel like I completely changed our relationship because of revealing how I felt. But why should I be hiding? I'm the one who took the leap, who was brave enough to be honest. I don't feel resentment towards him, I do however feel sorry. He lost the chance to give someone a chance. He rejected someone without seeing her potential. I could've been good, but now I know I can be better. My initial thoughts were "I'll make him regret it" and now its more about I'll show him that I'm so strong that I don't need to doubt myself.
I have good days and bad ones. I know what I hate. I still cry about the flings from summers ago and I cry when I see pictures of the people I love moving on. Yet, I often forget how amazing I am. It takes a lot of courage to face each day with a smile and if there's something I have its courage. He did not turn me against the idea of crushing but against the fear of rejection. Rejection is actually a redirection into finding more strength in yourself. It teaches how to value your feelings and re-evaluate your perspective. It teaches you that your opinions and thoughts are not insignificant and just because you're not everyone's cup of tea it doesn't mean you won't be someone's cake. Even if that's yourself. In the end, you are the prize and the winner, but you can only be that if you keep choosing yourself. Love yourself always, no matter what day it is.
by Bianca.
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